Book of Mercy [review]

Psalm 33
You who question souls, and you to whom souls must answer, do not cut off the soul of my son on my account. Let the strength of his childhood lead him to you, and the joy of his body stand him upright in your eyes. May he discern my prayer for him, and to whom it is uttered, and in what shame. I received the living waters and I held them in a stagnant pool. I was taught but I did not teach. I was loved but I did not love. I weakened the name that spoke me, and I chased the light with my own understanding. Whisper in his ear. Direct him to a place of learning. Illuminate his child's belief in mightiness. Rescue him from those who want him with no soul, who have their channels in the bedrooms of the rich and poor, to draw the children into death. Let him see me coming back. Allow us to bring forth our souls together to make a place for your name. If I am too late, redeem my yearning in his heart, bless him with a soul that remembers you, that he may uncover it with careful husbandry. They who wish to devour him have grown powerful on my idleness. They have a number for him, and a chain. Let him see them withered in the light of your name. Let him see their dead kingdom from the mountain of your word. Stand him up upon his soul, bless him with the truth of manhood.

Book of Mercy, Leonard Cohen, Villard Books, NY 1984.
yes, that Cohen.

Written without a pause, without a break, without artistic & artificial separations one sees in the visual presentation of poetry, this pushes, his words driving in passion, giving you no opportunity to emphasize one thing over another.

These psalms absolutely must be read slowly. Cohen's music and lyrics are powerful, often presented in an extremely blunt style in his recorded music. (you gave me head/on the made bed) These poems are straightforward, direct, but not blunt. From an extremely talented user of the English language, each sentence should be considered carefully.

As one would imagine from the title, the majority revolve around Mercy, seeking or seeing God's mercy in the various aspects of Life. I wish I could include some of the others** which were poignantly moving for me, except you'd likely get bored.

The psalms in the Old Testament are poetry. Some are exquisite in pain (Ps. 22) or overwhelming in joy (Ps. 118) comforting in their traditional use (Ps. 23) or just nice (Ps. 150). I have a psalter (book of psalms) which is translated from Hebrew into modern poetry.* Here, Cohen has simply written his own. These are not renditions of biblical passages from the King of the Israelites or some other dead Jewish guy 2100 years ago; they are cries from a man today, which might not be in print in another couple millenia. Although if they were, they would cry out, appealing to man's soul and God's Mercy.

Gopher rating:
2 - definitely buy a copy, you'll read it more than once.


*I'm not at home, so I can't cite it.



** Why not? Copyright allows me to present material for purposes of criticism. So, from my lips to God's ears:
Psalm 40
Let me not pretend you are with me, when you are not with me. Let me close down, let the puppet fall amoug the strings, until, by your mercy, he rises as a man. Let him dare to call on you from the dust, when there is nothing but dust, and the coils of his defeat. Enter me again into the judgment, I who refuse to be judged. Enter me into the mercy, I who have forgotten mercy. Let me raise your kingdom to the beauty of your name. Who do you welcome me? asks the bitter heart. Why do you comfort me? asks the heart that is not broken enough. Let him lie among the strings until there is no hope for his daily strategy, until he cries, I am yours, I am your creature. Then the surface of the world is restored, then he can walk and build a will. Blessed are you whose blessings are discerned by those who know your name. The evil are seen clearly, and the good are beyond safety, and in the panic the whole world prays. Let us not be tested. Blessed are you who creates and destroys, who sits in judgment on numberless worlds, who judges the present with mercy.

.

huh?

I had to answer yes/no to the following question on a job application form. I split it up to parse, since I couldn't figure out what the answer was.

Are you or an immediate family member (spouse, child, parent, brother or sister) currently or ever have been employed by a U.S. Federal, State, Local or Foreign Government (either as a civilian or in the military), or in a Reserve or Guard component of the Armed Services, or in any other position that may either: (1) prevent you from being employed by [us] or (2) place restrictions on what work assignments [we] may give you, if hired, due to U.S. Federal, State, Local or Foreign Government "revolving door" or conflict of interest laws?

... huh?

Are you - ok, that's me, good so far

or an immediate family member (spouse, child, parent, brother or sister) - that's a lot of people

currently or ever - if they care if I've ever done it, why mention 'current'?

have been employed by a U.S. Federal, State, Local or Foreign Government, - that's a lot of work

(either as a civilian or in the military) - is there any other possible category?

or in a Reserve or Guard component of the Armed Services, - didn't they just already include the military?

or in any other position - so basically, in any job anywhere with anyone by anyone genetically related to me or with whom I've genetically created some of these others

that may either:

(1) prevent you from being employed by [us] - god, I hope not

or (2) place restrictions on what work assignments [we] may give you,
If I haven't seen the job description (which we all know is NOT the one posted to get me to apply), how can I possibly answer this?

if hired, due to U.S. Federal, State, Local or Foreign Government "revolving door" - is this the "don't let it hit you in the ass on the way out" door?

or conflict of interest laws?
-- right now I'm thinking that the entire government system within the USA is in conflict with my interests.

... huh?

You know a lawyer spent an entire month trying to come up with this. I'm more accustomed to simply being asked "have you ever been convicted of a felony?"

Respecting the Law ... but not my intelligence

I am perhaps more critical of writing which starts by pissing me off.

America, we have a problem. Millions upon millions of people want to move here. Permanently. Even a country as prosperous as ours cannot possibly absorb so much humanity.
1st sentence of the NRO article Respecting the Law

bullshit.

So what happens now? The bullshit detector is on.

next sentence:

As problems go, however, this is not a bad one to have. For the day that “huddled masses yearning to breathe free” no longer besiege America is the day we will have to admit that America has lost its “magic formula.”

well, maybe an intelligent neo-nationalist

8th paragraph, following rah-rah-ain't-we-wonderful self-aggrandizement of the United States of America:

Respect for the rule of law seems natural to most Americans, what America does he live in? and can I get a visa? but it is largely an anomaly in the history of other nations. really? Would this be the 'other nations' whose legal system we adopted, like England? Or China, the oldest country in the world, which has had a rule of law for centuries? Or maybe he really means a 'democracy', which really has little to do with a rule of law? Nowhere is this more evident than in Latin America. South and Central America have seen scores of military dictatorships and autocracies, despite endorsing democracy and democratic institutions, since freeing themselves from the shackles of Spanish colonialism. Because we keep funding the groups which remove the democratically elected people we don't like. ... Far too many of the region’s leaders have learned the fine art of manipulating electoral politics FROM US in order to install themselves as autocrats or dictators with our money and political backing.

The inconsistent adherence to the rule of law has made it difficult for democratic institutions to flourish in Latin America. there? what about here? Moreover, repeated flouting of the law by political and military leaders undermines respect for the law among the general public. only if you're a progressive This is evidenced in everyday life: Consider the streets of many Latin American countries, where simple traffic laws are violated almost universally, and with near-total impunity. Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Has this man seen the streets of America? oh, right ... we've already established he doesn't live in the same America I do. Like Michigan, which treats stop signs as general guidance, and Minnesota where running red lights is a local sport on par with jay-walking in Michigan.


It’s no surprise, then, that some immigrants from Latin America evince a residual disrespect for the rule of law in this country. trans: I come from a country without traffic enforcement, therefore I will become a felon here, rape your daughters, steal your dogs, and suck on the teat of American social security.

It explains why so many ______ remain convinced that they have done nothing wrong by _________. Their desire to work hard and provide for their families is, for them, enough to justify their actions — the rule of law is an extraneous concept.

Now, class, let's fill in the blanks above. Is the correct answer:

American politicians // fucking the poor
American politicians // fucking our children's future
American politicians // waging unfunded wars abroad
unemployed illegal aliens // being hired by American companies
undocumented workers // entering our country illegally

If you answered a, b, c, or d - your head is sufficiently far enough out of your ass to smell shit when it's there.
If you answered e, you read Mr. Ortega's article.

Why is it that I think they assigned this piece of propaganda bullshit to a person with an Hispanic family name?

So, in summary:
Latinos have no traffic control and therefore are inherently incapable of obeying any law and therefore are unworthy to enter the hallowed borders of a country which worships the rule of law.

by the way ...

I filed suit yesterday in small claims court against someone in this Rule of Law Worshiping Society who rear-ended me, stove in my back hatch, and has no insurance while driving a vehicle belonging to someone else with no insurance, who then drove off before the cops came, after being monumentally stupid enough to stop and talk to me. If she'd just driven off, no one would ever have been able to prosecute her, since it wasn't her car.
She must have been an illegal immigrant.

Law v. Russian literature

Politifact, my amusement for the evening states:

... a Nov. 19, 2009, news release, Sen. Orrin Hatch, R-Utah, said that the 2,074-page bill was "longer than Russian novelist Leo Tolstoy’s War and Peace ."

We decided to see if he was right.

As for the bill, we cut and pasted it into a Microsoft Word document and found that the bill contained 384,067 words. Just to make sure that Word wasn't choking on such a large file, we did a sampling of word counts on individual pages, then multiplied the typical one-page count by the total number of pages in our Word document. The single pages we checked tended to have a bit fewer than 300 words per page in Word. So, with our document running to 1,372 pages -- shrinkage that illuminates how spread-out the text of the Senate bill is -- we came up with a ballpark estimate of 411,000 words.

So while Hatch is right if you simply count pages, when you use a more accurate comparison -- the number of words -- War and Peace is actually longer. In other words, he is right by one measurement, but not by the best measurement. So it turns out that Democrats aren't as wordy as a Russian novelist. Who knew?

#7

2009: 19 people were murdered in Minneapolis

Jan 20, 2010: the 7th homicide is reported.

Not doin' so great in Friendly Minnesota.

Biblical regulations

"We're also going to bring a transparency to the regulatory jungle that is unprecedented in the federal government," Labor Secretary Elaine L. Chao told business owners in a speech on June 2002. "There are more words in the Federal Register describing OSHA regulations than there are words in the Bible. They're a lot less inspired to read and a lot harder to understand. This is not fair."

I try to console my outraged sense of morality and ethics with my mantra:

... one day, you will stand before God and have to explain what you did with your life ... and boy, you will be fucked ...

I also think this is a good touchstone for moral decisions in my own life.


(former) Sec. Chao's primary function as a lawyer was union-busting. Only a Republican toadying to the Christian-zealots would compare the Federal Register with the Bible. The former is the source of all federal regulations, including all of the OSHA & EPA "regulations", i.e. what you need to do to be in compliance with the law. And I'm willing to bet that Ms. Chao hasn't actually read either one, unless it was to figure out how to justify fucking the little guy with the contents.

Of course, pointing to the royally retarded (and I mean that in the scientific sense, as well as the social one) approach to labor laws under Bush II, saying "this is a new administration" rather much ignores the pathetic approach to labor law for the past 40 years. The Democrats aren't any better at this. And they are - in my opinion - sinking just as fast. They have the majority... just Fuck the Republicans and just get on with doing what it right! Just DO what you been whining about for the past 8 years. aaaaarrrrgggghhh.

felonious orchid sales

I make no claims as to the validity of what is written in this posting. I merely bring it forward that the list of felonies is rather amusing. In the midst of a paper on gun-control as a public health issues, I don't really care if they're legal, since that isn't the point I cared about here. The commentary came with the article

Selling orchids without a license. The importation and selling of orchids is a violation of the Lacey Act and is a felony.

In Mississippi, it’s a felony to sell untagged oysters.

Shipping lobsters and lobster tails in opaque plastic bags instead of paper bags. David McNab, a seafood importer was convicted of violating the Lacey Act and is currently serving 8-years in prison.

Under West Virginia law, it is a felony to teach a bear to wrestle.

Under Ohio law, it is a felony to send spam, or unsolicited email advertisements. While I hate spam as much as the next guy, should it really be a felony?

With a name like Dinkytown, do you wonder ...?

These are some seriously impressive photographs: from the riots Saturday night in Dinkytown (part of Minneapolis). “We understand celebrating spring, but it should not involve starting fires and breaking things,” Rinehart said.

What a nice break from studying. You start drinking at noon, are hammered by six, and nobody is wiser at the end of the night when flash grenades go off and your friends are together in being sprayed with chemical irritants. - editorial

Rewind to Morgantown. I was a student at West Virginia University from '83-87. The big wild party event each year was in Sunnyside (read: student ghetto) after the Pitt game. It went overboard into a riot '84 when we beat Penn State for the first time in 30 years. I had to walk through the area on the way back to my dorm. Walk through being the operative word. I and several other members of the WVU Marching Band left our uniforms on for the trek. A matter of personal safety. Those students were setting cars on fire. (the party goers, not the band :)

Michigan State University in '99 had so-called "riots" two years running, once after losing the NCAA basketball tourney, and the other after winning. That constituted overturning city police cars and setting them on fire.

There's a really interesting paper (2003) which references both WVU and U of Minn (there was a riot here in '03 after the men's hockey team's championship game).

• WVU - over 1120 street fires have occurred since 1997 related to sporting events (five times the national average). In 2002, the City of Morgantown incurred over $430,300 in property damage as a result of “street” arson.

• More than $250,000 in property damage occurred at Michigan State University following the March 27-28, 1999 riots that resulted in 132 arrests, including 71 MSU students.
  

Whimsey of my life

Sex, Lies & Tee-times
The court also determined the $35,000 was a reasonable sanction when Ali Dunham was told that her golf schedule was not a factor to be considered in scheduling her deposition in the case, but she "disregarded that directive by deliberately choosing to play golf at the time of her deposition," the court said. "She then lied to the court about her reason for failing to attend her deposition, lied repeatedly under oath when presented with the true facts about her whereabouts at the time of her deposition, and now refers to her lies as a mere failure to 'volunteer' information." The court said Audian Dunham then lied to corroborate his wife's story.

Industrial ventilation design:
what exactly is a degree-day?

Do you want to rent space at the Mpls city public gardening area?
I have such a brown thumb. I've never been able to grow anything. I managed to keep a couple cacti alive at BioPort for 6 years. Then it died, too.

2 cents
Advice from one lawyer to his son, who was contemplating doing something socially rude:
"You're going to run into everybody again. They may not remember that you're a nice guy, but they'll certainly remember you're a jerk."

The Cup
So, I’m checking the NHL stats. I haven’t looked in the past two weeks. I can’t really watch the games, unless Yahoo is showing them on line, and that’s usually in conflict with the rest of my life. It’s in the final stretch. Boston, Washington, New Jersey, San Jose, Detroit, and Vancouver are at the top of the two conferences. No need to wonder who I want to win. Who do I think will? Well, Boston has been fantastic, and fantastically consistent. Detroit has, on more than once occasion in the past 20 years, fallen on their faces in the first round. Of course, they’ve also won 4 times in the past 12 seasons. Ultimately, I really want to be able to watch fantastic hockey. This is quite apparently not occurring today, with Columbus being pounded like a baby seal. “Columbus has an all-time record of 247-328-43. Detroit, meanwhile, is 288-254-1 ... but that’s just in playoff games.”

How many U.S. Senators are there? 100? No! There are only 99.
Minnesota can't seem to figure out how to make political assassinations feasible, and then take out the loser (in more than one sense) who's holding up our right to representation. Our senator has - like many in the country - been doing two people's work without adequate resources.

... hmm... maybe this might keep them in touch with the reality of the Modern Workforce? ... given their guaranteed unrelated to performance "pension", I doubt it ...

[Sen. Klobuchar] noted that she had originally predicted that the Senate race would be resolved by the time ice-out was officially declared for Lake Minnetonka -- which occurred last week on the same day as the ruling of the judges.

"Now I predict this will be done when Minnesotans are allowed to swim in our lakes, which is Memorial weekend," she said Sunday.- Sen. Amy Klobuchar

Seriously, what will it take to make the GOP satisfied? If the only answers is “I win”, they sound like my 4 year old. You lost, Norm, get over it and go find a job. Not that you actually need one, with your senatorial retirement benefits.

"I'm smooth"

BBC: A man in the US state of Pennsylvania accused of a robbery at a narcotics police convention has been described as probably the state's dumbest criminal.

Retired police chief John Comparetto was attending the meeting of 300 officers when he was allegedly held up at gunpoint in the men's toilets.

He handed over money and a phone but then he and some colleagues gave chase as the suspect tried to flee in a taxi.

They arrested a 19-year-old man over the incident near Harrisburg.

'Retired police chief John Comparetto says he was held up at gunpoint

Mr Comparetto was wearing an ankle holster with a gun, and when told to drop his trousers, he managed to conceal his weapon.

He described the suspect as "probably the dumbest criminal in Pennsylvania".

The Associated Press news agency reported that when a journalist asked the suspect for comment as he was led from court, he said: "I'm smooth."

Deathbed Confessions

Cleanse the Soul and Pay the Price

A US man who thought he was dying and confessed to having killed a neighbour in 1977 has been charged with murder after making a recovery, US media say.

James Brewer could now face the death penalty over the unsolved killing in Tennessee 32 years ago, reports say.

Convinced he was dying after a stroke, Mr Brewer reportedly admitted to police he shot dead 20-year-old Jimmy Carroll.

The 58-year-old, who had fled Tennessee after the killing, was arrested after his condition improved, reports say.

"He wanted to cleanse his soul, because he thought he was going to the great beyond," said police detective Tony Grasso, who interviewed Mr Brewer in an Oklahoma hospital, The Oklahoman website reported.

Mr Brewer had reportedly moved to Oklahoma from Tennessee after jumping bail after he was originally arrested and charged with Mr Carroll's murder in 1977.

The former factory worker changed his name to Michael Anderson and settled down with his wife, Dorothy, in the town of Shawnee.

The couple became active members of the local church, where Mrs Brewer established a Bible study group, reports say.

After suffering a stroke, Mr Brewer called police to his hospital bedside earlier this month, where he reportedly made the confession.

Detectives said Mr Brewer had admitted killing Mr Carroll, who he believed had been trying to seduce his wife.

However, Mr Brewer survived the illness and surrendered to authorities in his former home town of Hohenwald, Tennessee, after they were notified by the Oklahoma police.

General Duty

Section 5(a)(1) of the Occupational Safety & Health Act, often referred to as the General Duty Clause, requires employers to:
furnish to each of his employees employment and a place of employment which are free from recognized hazards that are causing or are likely to cause death or serious physical harm to his employees.

This is my profession's mantra: "free from recognized hazards". Closing one's eyes fails to qualify as "I didn't see it".

Surprise?

What, this is supposed to surprise me?

It also said that the UK and the US have "actively undermined" international law by their actions. It concluded that many measures introduced to fight terrorism were illegal and counter-productive.

The only news here is that someone bothered to sit down and write a report which will sit on someone's shelf, letting them thing happy thoughts that they somehow have improved the situation by vicarious approval.

Free school, but no free burgers

Free law school?

U.C. Irvine won't be charging tuition when their new law school opens its doors in September. While the article offers the advice:
How to Spend the Money Saved on Tuition: In-N-Out burgers. Lots and lots of In-N-Out burgers.

They fail to mention that you'll be eating In-N-Out because you can't afford anything else in California, even without paying tuition.



U. Minnesota isn't free, in fact I've heard it's pretty pricey for a big state school, "churning out the nation’s fifth-highest average debt loads".

Although, thanks to the Fates - who kept the last Bush from gutting the Dept. Health & Human Services, and kept him from abolishing (among other occupational offices) NIOSH - I am getting a tuition-free ride ($14,432/yr).
Thank you, my fellow taxpayers.

Criminal ennui

so, I don't really expect you to read all of this, unless you're bored. Really bored. If you're related to me, you've probably heard this before, and will be excused from bothering to read it. Although, this is the unexpurgated version - it just wouldn't hold your attention if it was this long when I told it.


Mom told me about the legal trials & tribulations for one of her co-workers this week ....

I was inspired to recall my own brush with the law ... it's long, but it makes a great party story ...


Long ago (1994) and far away (Kalkaska, Michigan), there lived a young woman (28) who was born with the burden of being named Smith. Not her first name, obviously, but her last. One day she got married and foolishly didn’t bother to legally change her name. This is a story about her.


One day, I went to Kalamazoo to teach a class; the former resident of my house went south to Cincinnati to teach a different class. I had made plans to go skiing at Lake Charlevoix with my friend Sean Patrick, not to be confused with my brother Sean Robert. Unfortunately, the Fates had not placed this into my life’s weave on their loom.

I left the lovely city of Kalamazoo later than I had planned, and drove northwards into the darkness of night, into the hinterlands of western Michigan. I drove and drove. I drove further and further. The night got later and later. Eventually, I realized I would need to stop for gas. I needed sleep, too; in lieu of sleep, I figured any gas station would have coffee of some sort. I hoped.

I saw the blinking yellow light first. Then my brain kicked in with the slow-motion-time-lapse memory of having just passed the sign “Reduce Speed Head 45 mph” while going waaaay more than 45. A split second later, my brain was catching up to realize the 2nd blinking yellow light was ahead of me, immediately followed by another sign: “Reduce Speed Ahead 35 mph”.

I hadn’t even slowed down at the first light. Hell, I hadn't even seen it. I hadn't gotten to the 2nd light. There wasn’t another car in sight. What to do?

Quick, look in the rear-view mirror. No one there. Slam on the brakes. Look both ways as I slowed down going through the 2nd light. At the far side of the 2nd intersection I was doing a nice, sedate 35 mph.



So was the police car immediately behind me. With its lights on.

“License, registration and proof of insurance”. A caricature of a rural sheriff, a big belly, brown uniform, and a flat-brim Smokey the Bear hat, he was also presenting the caricature of a big-time bad-ass police officer. Oh, god, I thought. At least my license plates were valid. I hand over the required documents.

At this point, I should mention, the soiree in Kalamazoo was for the Society for Creative Anachronism. This tale underscores the necessity to wear normal clothes when driving away from their events.

I waited.

Deputy came back, looked confused, and asked “Did you know your license was suspended?” Suspended?

“No, sir.”

“Miss, If you lie to me now, it’ll just go worse for you later.” A very patronizing warning in his voice. Now is when I panicked. I did manage to refrain from waving my gold ring in his face.

“Sir, I’m not lying. You asked if I knew it was suspended. No, I don’t know - If you say it’s suspended, I believe you. But I didn’t know!”

“How could you not know? The Secretary of State mails out notices when they do this.”

“I moved twice in the past 6 months. They probably did send me a notice. If I'd gotten it, I would have fixed it!”

He looked confused and went back to his car.

I waited.

He eventually walked back. Do you know there are those moments in life where, in retrospect, you recall the strangest things? His holster was open.

“Step out of the car.” Um, perhaps now is when I actually panicked. “Take your purse,” was said in the most patronizingly offensive tone of voice, where I expected him to add “or whatever girly things you’ve got.” I remained calm enough to a) make sure my epilepsy medication was in my purse, b) make sure my wallet was put back into my purse, and c) grab the piece of paper with Sean Patrick’s phone number.

I stepped out of the car; he took my purse without asking, put it on the roof of my car, and told me to “turn around, put your hands on the car, feet apart.” Panic not only arrived, it set up housekeeping. I’m in the middle of Nowhere, Michigan, and there is not a single soul on the face of God’s Green Earth who even knows where I am.

I get handcuffed. I get escorted to the back of the sheriff’s car, and put in the back seat. Did you know the back seats of police cars aren’t flat? They’re tipped back, so that when you sit down, your bottom is lower than your knees. Making it practically impossible to get out. It also leaves you leaning against the handcuffs, which is rather uncomfortable.

We finally get to the police station. They take my personal belongings. I get photographed. I get fingerprinted. I get escorted back to the counter. There were 3 or 4 people standing about 20 feet away from me, looking at some papers. It was a rather long print-out from an old dot-matrix printer - the kind with the running holes on the sides for the paper feeder. They looked at it; they looked at me; they looked at it; they looked at me.

They asked me the basic information one would expect the police to have: Where were you born? Date of Birth? Mother’s maiden name? How tall are you? 5’7” Color of eyes? Green How much do you weigh? .... um ... “Do you want to know how much I actually weigh, or do you want to know what my driver’s license says?” The three men looked completely unamused; the one woman rather quickly smothered a grin. “160, I think, I don’t know how much I weigh!” The questions went on.

I always figured getting interrogated by the police would involve some sterile room with straight-backed 1960s government surplus chairs and a battered linoleum table with cigarette burns. Nope, I was standing in the foyer of the police station, leaning on a counter top, staring across their office area, across at least 2 desks, at a little cluster of police officers. Eventually, I begged them, “What is it? Can you tell me what you want to know? What is wrong?” Aside from it being after midnight in a police station desperately wanting some coffee, rather than sitting in front of Sean’s fireplace drinking whiskey. One of them finally walked over, placed the print-out on the counter, and said, “this is your criminal record.” My what?

It started in 1982 or so, maybe earlier. I looked at it in stunned disbelief. DUI. DUI. Wanted - Felony. Speeding. Something else. Expired plates. Expired plates. Speeding, Wanted - Felony. The list was rather extensive. Of course, I thought, this can’t possibly be me. I looked at the top of the page, where it had the name, address, etc. etc. Only this one listed my name, my married name, and 3 others I’d never seen before.

I must have had a totally panicked look on my face. I pointed at the list of crimes (both vehicular and criminal), ran my finger down the first 4 or 5 and said “these aren’t mine. I didn’t live in Michigan until 1987, I lived in West Virginia; I didn’t even have a license until 1986; I didn’t have a Michigan license until 1989, ... umm ... this is mine, this is mine, this is mine (several invalid plates, a speeding ticket, another problem, followed by the newest, the suspended license which apparently grabbed all this attention)." I figured it might make my case more believable if I fessed up to the things that were actually mine. "Please, you’ve got to believe me, these aren’t mine! These names aren’t mine! - I didn’t change my name after getting married, but I’ve used it, that’s it, but not these others! Please believe me!”

The middle-aged sheriff’s deputy looked at me with pitiful eyes. He said, “Yes, we think these are two different people,” my mind briefly relaxed, “but we’re not sure which one you are.”

I finally got them to let me call my poor friend Sean Patrick. Who else would I call? No one knew where I was ... everyone I knew was in either Kalamazoo or Cincinnati. Of course, the phone is out-going collect calls only. “I’d like to place a collect call to 616-555-1234,” and the operator cuts in, says “Please hold” and leaves me on hold. About 1 minute later, she comes on and says, “I’m sorry, but they’ve refused the charges.”

Finally someone I can be mad at! “Of course they did! You didn’t tell them who’s calling. You need to give them my name!” ‘Please hold’ ... beee beee beee ...

“Elizabeth, what are you doing in a correctional facility?”

Rarely has a man’s voice sounded so sweet.

I finally broke down. ... there’s some problem with my license ... they think I’m a wanted felon ... can you please come bail me out of jail in the morning? Please? We discussed what to do, if the police wouldn’t let me go. I was still in panic mode. Sean, not being in jail and not being a potential felon, was much calmer. Fate might be a Grade A Bitch at times, but she’s got a nasty sense of humor. If there was one person in the whole state I would have called in that hypothetical situation, it would have been Sean. Or rather, Sean’s father, the successful criminal attorney.

I got to spend the night in jail, watching the drunks roll in and roll out. It was cold. It was really psychologically uncomfortable having no control over who went in or out. At least the women seemed to be more resigned than some of the men in the other cell.

The morning came. Eventually someone told me I’m being released. Ah, sweet hosannas and hallelujahs!

I find myself standing at the same counter again, only this time there’s much more activity than at 12 or 1 a.m. I wait for them to finish doing whatever it is they were doing. On the countertop, there sat a 2” thick pile of paper, the top sheet of which was an 8.5x11” photocopy of a head-shot photograph of a woman, with her description hand-written below it. Female, white, brown hair, brown eyes, 5’6”, 150 lb., .... this was her.

I was terrified. She looked just like me.

If that cop had had that photograph in his hand, he would have arrested me.

I signed whatever they put in front of me, nodded when instructed to get my tickets paid (you didn't think I'd get out of being ticketed for driving through a light without a license?), grabbed my purse, and managed to refrain from throwing myself into Sean’s arms in sheer relief.

Finis?

No. Are you kidding?

Did I have my car? No! My license was suspended! My poor little car was left in Kalkaska. Sean took me up to his family’s ‘cabin’. Skiing did not occur.

What had happened? How did I wind up in the Twilight Zone? One of the policemen offered as a suggestion: the State Police Records Unit had decided to digitize its records. So, they transferred everyone’s record into a computer. Given that my name was Smith, and one of the names used by the Other Woman was Smith, perhaps the computer merged our two records? What Kalkaska Co.'s Sheriff’s office did was to have the records office look up all of the names listed on the aliases. Voila! Two women: yours truly and her. Ms. Heidi Rochelle Jenkins, your ass is truly grass if I ever meet you.

but, wait you think: The State Police had some record of me already? Yup.

... 6 months earlier ...

I had a party. Eric had been drinking. Friends don’t let friends drive drunk, right? Hell, yes they do! I offered to drive him home, we’d get his car back the next day. Sure, he probably didn’t really need a ride, but what the hell, that’s what friends are for.

I got off 127 at Trowbridge and waited at the light at Harrison. Right where that big Dairy Mart it. right where MSU Campus starts. Right where an East Lansing police car pulled up behind me. Shit. “What’s wrong?” Eric quite reasonably asks. “My plates are expired.” (I did mention that a few of those ‘citations’ were actually mine ... this is one of them.)

The light turned green, I turned left, the cop turned on his lights. I’m thinking oh, well, the plates are expired. At least I'm not speeding. Ta da! This is why I gave Eric a ride home, right? Still, we were only 3 blocks from Eric’s house!

License, registration, proof of insurance. It would be de ja vu in 6 months.

When asked what I was doing, I stated I was driving my friend home (no mention was made about why I was). The policeman come back and states in a very regretful voice, you’ll need to step out of the car, ma’am. “What’s wrong?” police don't ask you to step our of the car to chat about the weather.

“I’m afraid I’m going to have to arrest you.”

“What!” I screeched at full volume.

“There’s a bench warrant out for your arrest.” Eric looks stunned. I assume I look totally freaked out. The policeman looks really regretful.

“Really, I am sorry.” I get out of the car, and ask if Eric can take it home. I think the cop must have realized why I was driving him, and then said no.

This night's event I will use later as my benchmark experience of “how to get arrested”, being completely unrealistic: this just isn't how people get arrested. Yes, I got handcuffed: with my hands in front of me; the policeman let me sit in the front seat of his car, and was polite and chatted with me on the way to the station, he apologized for arresting me.

I get there, I get photographed & fingerprinted. I call home to get bailed out of jail. I discover the reason for the bench warrant: 6 unpaid parking tickets from the MSU police.

Parking tickets!?

Yup, parking tickets. You’d think that the $250 in parking fines would be an incentive to never repeat this. Yup - it was. But, then again, it was a $250 insurance policy for that Autumn, since the primary reason the Kalkaska cops let me go is that there was proof that I was actually me. A simple absence of any evidence of my identity would have resulted in me staying in jail longer.

Finis?

No. Are you kidding?

Where was my car? Back in hock in Kalkaska.

Kalkaska lies on US-131, which runs north-south along the western side of Michigan. Conveniently, it’s the “major highway” (which is sort of a euhpemism) in the area - more like the only 4 lane road for miles and miles.

I need my car. I can’t get my car, because my license is suspended pending trial in the same damn city, which won’t be for a couple weeks. I make tons of phone calls, rack up my long distance bill, and finally get straightened out: a friend of mine can pick up my car for me. Graham came down to Lansing 2 or 3 times per month with her boss. They were willing to swing by, pick up my car, and bring it. I was horrified at having to impose upon her boss, an important woman who probably doesn't particularly want to spend an extra hour getting my car out of hock.

They show up at the impound lot at the designated time (before 5, which had required them to leave early). No one’s there. They finally find someone. There’s a snafu about releasing the car to them. Now, mind you, requesting my car was a very tall, very large blonde 30ish woman and a short, salt-and-pepper haired 60ish woman who looked really unprepossessing. There ensues a discussion about the legality of letting them have my car, despite all assurances to me previously.

Did I mention the two women getting my car having this little discussion of legality? Graham Bateman, clerk, and Elizabeth Weaver , Chief Justice of the Michigan State Supreme Court. God, was I embarrassed when I got my car.

Finis?

Almost. Really, almost.

I still had to get my license back. Did I get behind the wheel of a car in this interlude? Hell, no!

Back to Kalkaska I go, a couple weeks later, to go to traffic court due to the “driving on a suspended license” ticket. But ... I can’t drive myself there. Well, I could, but what would happen if someone wanted to know how I’d gotten there ... um.

“Connell, will you be willing to take a drive up to lovely Traverse City and points north” Connell being the only person I knew at the time who was unemployed and acceptable to a) drive my car and b) occupy my car for the 3 hour drive it would take. For a change, all of my good friends were actually employed. We went up on one day, spent the night with my friend Graham the Lawyer.

I asked for her advice on dealing with the court case the following morning. She & a colleague (not the Justice) offer some really practical bits:

“Did you bring something else to wear to court?” with a look at my blue jeans, sweat shirt and sneakers. “Yes, my business suit is in the car.”
“How did you get up here?” with a look at Connell. “He drove me.”
“Leave him in the hallway outside of court.” with a look at Connell and Connell’s fashion: long hair, battered leather jacket, really ratty jeans, well, sort of like an Irish hooligan, but short and cute.
"If he puts you on parole, ask for ..." I got some very specific phrases to use to make a good impression. I got some very specific things to avoid saying, to make a good impression.

Off to court ...

The docket posted outside the room had everyone’s name and the reason they were there: DUI, DUI, suspended license, suspended ... suspended, Smith Suspended license.

Heeding my lawyers’ advice, I left Connell kicking his heels in the hall. I went in to hear the magistrate’s dispensation of Justice, since I was the last person in the group. I wanted to get an idea of how deep I was in. I had looked up the maximum penalty (which included jail time). Other than the magistrate, the prosecutor, and one attorney, I was the only one in the room wearing a suit. Well, make that a business suit. One fellow looked like he’d just departed work at a automobile workshop. Probably did. But, I would have at least taken the oily coveralls off. Different strokes ...

As an example of my competition in the “criminals are stupid” competition (I'm not even making this one up):

You were arrested for driving on a suspended license, right?

Yes.

Did you know it was suspended?

Yes.

Why was it suspended?

DUI

Where were you driving?

to the grocery store

How far is the store from your home?

6 blocks

What were you going to buy at the store?

beer

Sentence: Lots of money + days in jail

I’m getting nervous at this point - the judge is passing out pretty steep fines, and a few people got jail time.

Me:

You were arrested for driving on a suspended license, right?

Yes

did you know it was suspended?

No.

big pause

You didn’t?

No.

Why was it suspended?

Unpaid parking tickets

big pause

Where were you going?

Up north to go skiing with some friends.

Why did you get pulled over?

I explained the traffic light to him.

Did you get all of the other tickets paid & do you have receipts for them?

Yes.

How did you get here today?

A friend of mine drove me.

Is he here?

He’s in the hallway outside. Should I ask him to come in?

No.

Sentence: the least amount of money possible with the adjuration: don’t let it happen again.

After returning from the Tour of Kalkaska County Jail, Monday 8 a.m. found me standing on the door of the Sec.State with my marriage license to get my name changed.





an amusing side note ...

I was spending Summer vacation with my elder cousins a few years after this escapade. One evening we were chatting, catching up with each other’s lives - due to the usual insanity of life, we haven’t been a particularly close-knit group. I said, in passing something about getting arrested. They were shocked, shocked I tell you. Jay laughs and asks oh, so, slyly: “yeah, but how many times have you been arrested?” My hand rose, holding up 2 fingers.” Everyone looked even more shocked. Except Jay, who looked disappointed; he couldn’t on-up me.

cops & robbers

a video is worth a thousand words ...

Most Wanted ... by EPA

No, these folks haven't robbed banks or committed arson or tax fraud. It's amazing what the EPA is charging them with. Now, these you can certainly understand EPA's interest:

Conspiracy to violate hazardous waste laws
Illegal asbestos removal
Aiding and Abetting false entries into an Oil Record Book
Illegal discharge of pollutants into the waters of the United States

It's the other charges that pop up along with messing with Mother Nature:
Mail Fraud
Tampering with a Witnesses
Foreign Corrupt Practices Act

Now, how many times have you stood in line at the airport and thought, "all these damn 3 oz. bottles" or "why can't I put that in my luggage"? Being charged with transporting hazardous materials on an airplane without proper labelling - you think, who cares if it had a damn label or not? Remember that ValuJet that crashed in the Everglades?

Valenzuela was a mechanic for SabreTech. He certified that all cabin oxygen generators had been properly removed and replaced on a ValuJet plane. Valenzuela caused these generators to be delivered and loaded on VALUJET flight 592 without proper markings, capping, packaging and other safety measures. The flight crashed into the Everglades shortly after take-off from Miami International Airport killing all 110 passengers and crew onboard.

The 3 oz. bottles are still stupid. After all, leaving the material in the original container will at least assure TSA that it's labeled right.

Limitations on freedom of press

The Faribault Daily News reported the school district shutting down the school (didn't mention which grades) paper due to the students refusing to give the superintendent prior review of an article about an investigation of a middle school teacher's potential inappropriate behavior.


No prior review? Are you kidding? What journalist for a commercial news outlet gets published/on-air without an editorial review? What if they were writing for the Star Tribune? The owners of the Strib are libel for irresponsible journalism. Who's libel for the school paper? The School a.k.a. The State. The students can’t legally claim sole responsibility for the paper. Editorial control rests with ownership. The students don't own it, the school board, and de facto the State of Minnesota does.

As with many other instances, a light touch is the best guidance. Shutting down the whole paper, rather than just one article getting pulled? That seems an unreasonable response.

If the article conforms to professional journalistic ethics/standards of practice - there is no reason it shouldn't be published. The cases cited by the Daily News are excellent examples of social bias censoring facts unpalatable to the local people.

First Amendment “rights” are not absolute. Slander/defamation is against the law - the unbridled freedom is only over that which is factually true. Pornography and profane language are protected under this amendment. Is that okay for high school students to publish? If your answer is no, you’re already limiting their freedom and possibly treading a slippery slope down to the Superintendent’s desk. There's no ethical difference between limitations. Whether it is disapproval about teenage sex or images of disembowled pigs in a slaughterhouse ... limitation is limitation.

Would the school district allow students to print content normally found in the City Pages or the Daily Minnesotan (U of M's student paper)? I'm pretty sure not - not due to the story content, per se, but rather due to the language choice and visual content. Sex might help distribution, but I wouldn't approve of my school board publishing it. God, you wouldn't believe the sex-advice column the U's paper runs.

My biggest question, in considering this: The Faribault paper didn't mention if this was a one-off problem - was this request for prior-approval unique to this story?

If the Superintendent realized there was going to be a story with potentially big ramifications (this sounds like it was) .. then I would expect him to want to review it prior to its publication, even if he didn't do so on a regular basis. Has anyone seen the article in question?

I can't get my knickers in a twist over this, without the School actually shooting down the article after seeing it.

Ich Will

while surfing illegally posted copywritten material on You Tube. Michael wanted to hear this.

Old Math

1 = 2.2
100 = 62
1 = 39

The European Commission acknowledged last year that persuading the UK to embrace litres and kilometres over pints and miles was a lost cause. Minister for Europe Caroline Flint said it was a "victory for common sense .... In the current difficult economic climate, it will also mean that British companies do not face extra labeling costs in order to do business in the United States."

Now, this sounds suspiciously like something one would find here, in dear old NOT METRIC USA:

"Metric martyrs" lost the battle to trade only in pounds and ounces. One was convicted in 2001 of selling bananas only by the pound. His offence: failure to provide customers with the metric equivalent, as required under EU law. I guess he should have moved here.