Tuesday, September 22, 2009


Not to be surpassed but Brother #1, Mr. STFU & GBTW, we have the CSPDGF. [adult content]

Ring ring... beep ...
if you want to pay usurious pay-by-phone-get-fucked fees please press 1 ...
if you want to just get fucked, please press 2 ...
para habla Espanol 4 ...

They never mention on these dickwad menus that you can press 0 and reach a real human being. Why? because they don’t want you to. They want you to think your only option is to pay them. They want you to get so frustrated by your apparent inability to get your way that you forget to demand it and wander off into the financial fog of fraud that constitutes the modern mortgage market.

They never mention that there’s a $15 pay-by-phone “convenience” fee. Why? because they want to fuck you.

I spoke to the Cock-Sucking Pencil-Dicked Goat-Fuckers (CSPDGF, alias GMAC the evil empire) to bitch that their computer system won’t let me on so that I can pay them. There’s no option for “fix your damn system”. There’s only “pay now” or “can’t pay now”. I - of course - pushed 0.

Am I going to get charged for paying over the phone?

mumble mumble mumble $12.5.

I don’t want to get charged, I want to pay on-line where I won’t get charged. I want to talk to someone to fix my on-line access.

Well, ma’am I can reduce the fee to $7.5.

I don’t want to pay anything. I want to pay on-line. I don’t get charged on-line. Can you please transfer me to the person to fix this? Or can you tell me who I do need to call.

Well, ma’am I can waive the fee for a one-time courtesy.

Well, at least this time they’ll find the KY.

-->> Gopher Tip: next time you're confronted with someone demanding "convenience fees" for paying over the phone demand to have the waived.

They wanted to know why this month’s payment was late.

Well, let’s see: Your computer system is so clearly designed to fuck me & fuck my bank account that it won’t let me set up a monthly automatic payment.

Why is that so?

'Cause they want to fuck you.

Their lame-ass excuse is that my monthly payment isn’t always the same (escrow changes sort of thing). Their lame-o excuse is that they would need prior authorization any time my payment changed.

Well, Xcel Energy, T-Mobile and Consumer’s Energy all seem perfectly willing to bill me monthly with whatever that month’s utility bill is.**

This is up there with the We Are Servants Of The Computer mentality that I got from HSBC.

** addendum:
gee, guess what? GMAC does actually have a monthly payment option. Why tell anyone it's there? And, if you do happen to sign up for it, the maximum amount you can pay at once is $25,000. First I thought I'd misplaced the decimal. $25k? Who the hell would pay 25 Gs at once? And, why in the world would the mortgage company want to limit the amount of money you can pay them? In chorus, class: Because they want to fuck you.

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